It is not about the drawing it’s about the feeling

A fantasy, tempera painting

I’ve made almost 4000 drawings and paintings since the year 2000. Some are better, some are just simple fast sketches but I keep them all be cause for me these are more than just drawings, these are containing my feelings like the files of a diary .

Even if they are far from beeing masterpieces, my old drawings, the drawings I’ve made when I was 14, 15, 16 or 17, are special to me be cause the keep inside the feelings I had when I’ve made the, that strong desire to love and be loved, the image of the woman I’ve always wanted to have next to me, the love I could only dream of be cause I could never have.

Electric girl, pencil drawing

Column of love, ball point pen drawing

Even if they are anatomically wrong and not aesthetic and artistic these drawings mean so much to me because in this drawings there is the woman I’ve always wanted to love. If she was real I would love her forever and she would mean everything to me.  I’ve made these drawings when I was a lonely teenager. When I was in high school my art was all I had. I Had no one to talk to, no one to understand me, no one to love me and I’ve never had the courage to talk about my feelings because people would judge me.  Here in Romania people are very intolerant and if the have to choose between a criminal, a schizophrenic or someone like me, they choose the criminal or the schizophrenic. Here in Romania people are influenced by the orthodox religion that teaches them to be misogyny and homophobic and by the years 2000, 2001, 2002 and 2003 the intolerance was bigger than now  I was the girl who used to draw naked women and reject all the boys in high school and that’s why girls were avoiding me and boys were bulling me all the time. No one knew what was in my soul by that time.

If you lokk at this drawing you can realise ho much I wish I had this woman I always draw next to me, to love her and be loved by her and how much I suffered because I had to live alone hiding the pain inside.

Lesbians, pencil drawing

Erotic dream, pencil drawing

Night angel, pencil drawing

The flower of love, new fantasy pencil drawing

The girl in my dream on the moon, new pencil drawing

Orgasm, pencil drawing

The tree of love, acrylic on canvas painting

Sad lonely broken angel, pencil drawing

Lady in white and lady in black, a pencil drawing I’ve made when I was 15

My newest painting

Me and her, pencil drawing

The fire bird

The fire bird, a painting I’ve made by the year 2001 when I was 14

Schiller – Dream of you or the girl in my dream, memories since 2001

The girl in my dream on the moon, new pencil drawing

This is a drawing I’ve made now starting from an older painting, a painting I’ve made by the year 2002 beeing inspired by the song Schiller – Dream of you and the dreams I had by the year 2001 when I used to dream about a young girl with white skin and long black hair, a girl I’ve never meet in my real life. The image below is the old painting. It is not amasterpiece but I keep it cause of it’s sentimental value. It remins me of the girl I used to dream when I was a teenager

The girl in my dream on the moon, old painting, a painting I’ve made by the year 2002

I remember by that time the song made me imagine the girl in my dreams on a mountain on the moon singing with her beautiful voice, wearing jewels, with the Earth behind her. Music was inspiring me

Memories from the year 2000

I’ve made this drawings and paintings in the autumn of the year 2000. I was almost 14. These are my first creations. I still miss those times. I remember like it was yesterday . By that time I was a dreamer and I used to dream of a beautiful world.

That was the time when I started to dream of something to beautiful to be real, something I can never reach and draw and paint all the things I dream of. That was the time when I started feel that desire, that need to love and be loved and put on paper the image of my perfect love.

So the years have gone and my creations remained like a diary and every time  I look at them the feelings and the fantasies I had when I’ve made them come back to me.